You've broken me.
I was fine. I was fine with darkness, I had few fears, I was fine with silence and loneliness. You broke me.
I cry now. I used to be those girls who were single and happy. Yes, I was wistful- I wished for something that was beyond fairy-tales. And you came and swept me off my feet. You kissed me. You touched me in places where I had no one in let before. You smiled at me. You told me that I was beautiful. And for the first time, I believed you.
And you left. You left. I always knew somewhere that you would. I couldn't bring myself to stop you because I knew that it was the right thing to do. I've never told anyone this but I HATED the fact that you were leaving. I put on my facade and made everyone believe that it was all okay. It wasn't. Your leaving was not okay. I wanted you to stay. I wanted you to walk me home, to treat me to lunch, to watch the stars with me. You did.
And then you left.
I'm so sick of pretending that its fine. Of pretending that you meant as much as all my other crushes. You meant much more. And you were special. You were right for me. You knew when to remind me to breathe, you knew how to make me smile, you knew what to say.
I knew what to do around you. I knew you were hurting inside too. I knew that you were broken and you didn't want to admit it. I knew you, love, just as much as you knew me.
You said that you won't give up on us. I don't know if you remember this but when you were drunk, you told me that you loved me. You told me that we could make this work. You told me that you had to be with me. I freaked out then. I know you too little for me to declare my love for you. I know you too less to declare myself in a relationship with you.
And now the only thing I want is for all those things to be true. But they were drunken statements, ones you don't remember probably. What do you remember, love? Do you remember the smell of cocoa butter that I had just taken a shower with? Do you remember the stifling heat of that day? Do you remember kissing me in the backyard? Do you remember me standing on my toes, barely able to reach your lips?
Because I do. And I really don't want to.
Every time I close my eyes before I sleep, I can see you above me. I can see your face. I can see me craddling myself into a ball and feeling your warmth against mine. Now there's just me. Sometimes when I sleep, I dream of you and I can't breathe and there's no one to remind me.
I was fine alone. And now I'm not. I haven't said this to myself or out loud before- I wish you hadn't left.
(Arya's not here tonight. I've been distracting myself but this is the reason that I needed a good summer. This is the reason that I needed a change of pace, of scenery, of people and of life. And now you guys know.)
I was fine. I was fine with darkness, I had few fears, I was fine with silence and loneliness. You broke me.
I cry now. I used to be those girls who were single and happy. Yes, I was wistful- I wished for something that was beyond fairy-tales. And you came and swept me off my feet. You kissed me. You touched me in places where I had no one in let before. You smiled at me. You told me that I was beautiful. And for the first time, I believed you.
And you left. You left. I always knew somewhere that you would. I couldn't bring myself to stop you because I knew that it was the right thing to do. I've never told anyone this but I HATED the fact that you were leaving. I put on my facade and made everyone believe that it was all okay. It wasn't. Your leaving was not okay. I wanted you to stay. I wanted you to walk me home, to treat me to lunch, to watch the stars with me. You did.
And then you left.
I'm so sick of pretending that its fine. Of pretending that you meant as much as all my other crushes. You meant much more. And you were special. You were right for me. You knew when to remind me to breathe, you knew how to make me smile, you knew what to say.
I knew what to do around you. I knew you were hurting inside too. I knew that you were broken and you didn't want to admit it. I knew you, love, just as much as you knew me.
You said that you won't give up on us. I don't know if you remember this but when you were drunk, you told me that you loved me. You told me that we could make this work. You told me that you had to be with me. I freaked out then. I know you too little for me to declare my love for you. I know you too less to declare myself in a relationship with you.
And now the only thing I want is for all those things to be true. But they were drunken statements, ones you don't remember probably. What do you remember, love? Do you remember the smell of cocoa butter that I had just taken a shower with? Do you remember the stifling heat of that day? Do you remember kissing me in the backyard? Do you remember me standing on my toes, barely able to reach your lips?
Because I do. And I really don't want to.
Every time I close my eyes before I sleep, I can see you above me. I can see your face. I can see me craddling myself into a ball and feeling your warmth against mine. Now there's just me. Sometimes when I sleep, I dream of you and I can't breathe and there's no one to remind me.
I was fine alone. And now I'm not. I haven't said this to myself or out loud before- I wish you hadn't left.
(Arya's not here tonight. I've been distracting myself but this is the reason that I needed a good summer. This is the reason that I needed a change of pace, of scenery, of people and of life. And now you guys know.)
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